A week after my last post my brother went to the rehabilitation ctr, and things have been moving along. He came home last weekend, and though still recovering, it is good to have my bother back. Oddly enough, even though I had said in my last post that he had come to himself, as far as he is concerned he didn't wake up until he was at the rehab ctr. To him he has only been awake a bit more than two weeks! He responded to us in the hospital, and much better his last week there, but he doesn't really remember the hospital. He remembers waking up after he was moved. He has remembered everything since rehab, and I think even his short term memory seems ok for the most part ( he has his moments still), but nothing about the accident , or having been in the hospital for more than a month.
The important thing is he is home with his family. The rehab doctors wanted him to stay another week, but somehow the insurance company decided they knew better. He has out patient therapy three times a week for now to help with his left arm. He will be having an MRI performed this week to see if there is a torn ligament or something. With his right arm and hand he can lift 109lbs, with his left only 35lbs. His voice still doesn't sound quite right yet, but his sinuses were crushed in the accident and still healing. He has, after all, only been speaking for a couple weeks now. He is alive and recovering, and God has indeed spared him. This Thanksgiving will be very special in my family.
It has been an eventful year, and much has happened that I have not written about lately because, of course, my brothers condition has been my over-riding concern, but I would like to mention a couple of other things I have been thinking about
I am a Christian who struggles with overcoming a legalistic background.
My history is mostly Pentecostal. I was not raised in a Christian home, but my mother's understanding of God was very works oriented, and I was always a child who by nature wanted to "be good" to please my parents. When we spoke of Jesus it was in terms of "being good" to go to heaven. Jesus loved "good" people.
I always had an interest in God even though my parents never went to church. When I was 7 I went by myself a few times to the Pentecostal Church of God nearby in the small town where we lived. When we moved to Louisville my brothers and I were invited to a Baptist church that sent a bus around on Sundays so I went there quite a few times, and enjoyed the classes and outings they had for kids my age. I was about 10 years old.
When I was 11 I heard a woman preaching at an Apostolic church across the street from my house. I told my parents I was going to over there and tell her she should not be preaching because she was a woman. At 11 years old I was going to straighten her out! My parents told me I could go, but not to say anything. I went and stayed for two years. The young lady who was preaching became a model of Godliness to me, and gained my everlasting regard. She was not the Pastor, who was a nice man, but she preached better than he. I went there until I was 13. It was, like many Pentecostal churches can be, a very works oriented religion, but I didn't know that when I was 11 - I just knew I was treated with kindness, and I came to love everyone. That church was small and eventually fell apart.
I went no where again until I was 19, and came to the Lord with my heart committed to Him for good -come what may. I again, mostly because of my memories, and my presumed familiarity, went to a local Church of God. This time however, I was not a child, and while the people were great I began to see things differently in the scriptures. I went to an independent Church pastored by a wonderful Godly man who loved the Lord and truly sought to see the scriptures as they are. I was part of Rick McConnell's church for three years. He was killed in Nov. 1989 trying to direct traffic around some barrel hoops that had been lost on an interstate. His ministry is still with me to this day, and I expect it will always be. I miss him. He was a good friend, and mentor.
Two years later I began attending a small church with my girlfriend, who became my wife. We were married there and this past August, a week and half before my brothers accident, a culmination of differing events led us to believe that it is time to go. From the Pastor, to everyone else, we love all. We have attended this church for 14 years, and leaving is not easy. Whether it is us, or the place, God knows for sure. For now we are searching for a home.
I have been thinking about the following-
I know that sin is done away in Jesus. Jesus takes away sin, and does not consider us as anything but righteous according to His cross and the working of His Spirit. I believe we have a human nature that God created and sees as good, but I find that in my flesh is still the law of sin - the one who knows he is saved by grace. If I am honest with myself I have to confess there are times I am selfish, and something in me wants to be selfish. There are times I am lustful and something in me wants to be lustful. There are times I am prideful and something in me wants to be arrogant. At the same time these ugly impulses raise their head there is an immediate revulsion within me that causes me to know that I need to cry out unto the Lord my God. I know the weakness of my flesh, and but for Gods grace would be continually ruled by it. I find that I must subject these things to Christ, or be subjected to them. What is done away within me is the desire to be one with those impulses, and what is created within me by grace is the desire to have them subjected to, and ruled by,the Spirit of God. God has done away with sin, and sin is no longer held to my account. He has given me eternal salvation.
I struggle with my past legalistic thinking that would make everything -sinful or not - wrong, and make me responsible for rescuing myself. I also struggle with the true fight of the weakness of flesh, and subjecting vanity to grace. Yet that is the walk of transformation, and the call to be more than we are in this world. The call to hold Dad's hand and trust Him.
Without God I am altogether lost and undone. At times I am all the things I mentioned above and more.
But I am not without God, and am promised that I never shall be.
I love Jesus.
My only saving grace.
Monday, October 17, 2005
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